| Furniture Eating Monkeys could be in Your Neighborhood Read the story of one town plagued by chimps with a taste for birch. by Markey Postal, MF Press |
| HALLOWEEN IS OVER: Jennie Garth Wants Her Look Back by Club Van Foot, MF Press 90's drama queen, Jennie Garth is up in arms about New York comediannes, like Tasha Space, "stealing" her famous face. "I've worked hard for my look and it's no laughing matter," comments the 90210 star. "Does she think Aaron Spelling will discover her in a comedy club? I think not." There are talks of law suits that will force comics like Space to sport glasses, a distinctive tattoo or even a "I wasn't on Beverly Hills, 90210" t-shirt. |
| PERSONAL OF THE WEEK NAME: Jason “Death” Rowe AGE: 27 LOCATION: Plainville, NY (mother’s basement) OCCUPATION: Septic Removal Technician FAVORITE MOVIE: Delta Force HOBBIES: Kickin’ righteous ass, funneling domestic light beer, cruisin’ the “Strong” Island coast, lifting heavy things, living vicariously through the lives of professional athletes, all types of wrestling (including but not limited to Greco-Roman, professional, arm, mud, and thumb) receiving lap daces, aggressive masturbation, beating up neighborhood adolescents, needlepoint IDEAL COMPANION: A chick with a smokin’ body, a decent face, and won’t make me act like a wimp or pussy with her in front of my friends. WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 20 YEARS?: Behind a backstop at a Little League game yelling at my son. ONE WORD TO DESRIBE YOURSELF: Intensinacity LAST WORD: “Ladies, I am your man. That’s MAN, M-A-N. If you are looking for a MAN who will treat you like a MAN, look no further. Oh yeah!” |
Billy, Wood You Help Me?
Advice by Billy Wood
Dear Billy,
I’ve been at my current job for 5 years. I’ve been working 60-hour work weeks, traveling all over the country and have even developed a gastro-intestinal
condition from all of the stress that is at times crippling. All of this was acceptable to me because I knew I was one of Mr. Anderson’s “Go To Guys”. I was in the
inner-sanctum. And then that jerk Murphy came on board. All of a sudden there’s a new Golden Boy and I’m chopped liver, and I don’t think I’m going to make
that big promotion. When I used to say ‘Good Morning’ to Mr. Anderson, he would say; “There’s my guy!”. Now I’m lucky to get a simple; “Morning, Harold”, and
my name isn’t even ‘Harold’. What can I do to show Mr. Anderson that I still exist and that he can count on me to deliver results? I want my old life back, before
Murphy, Mr. Perfect, had to ruin it all.
What Wood you do?
Losing All Management Energy – Syracuse, NY
Dear LAME,
You’re not alone. That’s the main thing to remember in this important crossroads of your life. There are millions, and millions, and millions of people exactly
like you. I mean, exactly like you. You have spent your entire life molding yourself into the typical Corporate cookie cutter shell of a human, and now you have
come to the realization that you’re obsolete and replaceable because you’re as far from unique as George ‘Dubya’ is from Mensa. You’ve spent so much time
trying to fit in and please the Man that you are now a dime a dozen. Welcome to mediocrity, LAME. You have no thoughts of your own. You are confined to
the status-quo. Here, let me freak you out with some probing predictions:
Your record collection includes one or all of the following Top 40 vanilla classics: Kenny G, Michael Bolton, Richard Marx, Eagles Greatest Hits (Vol. I & II), and
you actually bought Nirvana’s Nevermind because you saw the ‘Weird’ Al video parody and you thought it was “hysterical”, but you never listen to the album
because feedback scares you, and you’re strangely attracted to the cover.
You high-five people when you tell a joke that gets even the slightest chuckle because you are is such desperate need of social approval.
You’ve invited coworkers out for “a brewski” several times, but they always have other plans. You’re awkward, fake and uncomfortable around people and they
react similarly to you. You’re social ineptness was the inspiration for the word ‘douche chills’….that’s what people feel whenever you try to “fit in”.
Instead of using people’s real names, you refer them as “Tough Guy”, “Chief”, “Captain”, “Sport”, “Darlin’” or “Hon”….and they hate you for it.
Don’t be mad at Murphy, don’t be mad at Mr. Anderson. Look in the mirror and be mad at the guy you’re looking at for trying so desperately to be anything but
himself for so long. The promotion you should be seeking is the advancement into the human race. Take off your Warner Bros. ‘Taz’ necktie, and remove that
tacky class ring, and say hello to the rest of your life. If I were you I would go to work, play Solitaire, and do as little as possible while still keeping your job. And
for God’s sake, take up a hobby that you can enjoy for yourself like all-day couch sitting, hot air ballooning, or Asian “massage” research. That’s what Billy Wood
do. Email your questions to billywood99@yahoo.com
| STAMDPLAX COOKING yours won't look this good... TUNA NOODLE CASSEROLE Ingredients:
he's going to be in your business. Boil yer water. Open your tuna and tell your good-for-nothin kids to smash them aluminum cans to recycle, Christmas is just around the corner. Combine your cream and tuna. Pour over noodles and sprinkle your chips of choice on top. Pre-heat your oven to 425 or start your Camero. Set in the oven or on the engine for 20 minutes. Best served with Milwaukee's Best. |
 | |  | |  | |  |
Testy Traveler Seeks Change
in Airline Policy
by Fiona Walsh
In the run up to the election,
newly minted American citizen,
Fiona Walsh, has set her sights
on having the freshly elected
president institute a new air-
lines policy.
"Never mind the security
screening, what we need is a
"no-toddlers on board" policy.
I'm sick of having my Gin &
Tonic, sitting back with my flight
socks and waiting with relish for
whatever crap the in-flight
entertainment is and then
having a child wail right in my
ear - it's truly awful". Walsh said
she wanted to ensure certain
flights were 'toddler free'.
"Listen, I'd pay the extra $10 or
$159.99 to have a tot free trip"
claimed Walsh. "I'm sure
people who have babies would
rather be on flights with other
parents so they can exchange
tips on diaper changing, nature
versus nurture and other child
related thingies. They certainly
don't want irate customers like
me getting upset and sitting on
their repressed rage on long
transatlantic flights or worse still
sticking their foot out while their
toddler runs by and tripping
them up". Walsh quickly added
"But don't get me wrong - I like
children - I just couldn't eat a
whole one!"
in Airline Policy
by Fiona Walsh
In the run up to the election,
newly minted American citizen,
Fiona Walsh, has set her sights
on having the freshly elected
president institute a new air-
lines policy.
"Never mind the security
screening, what we need is a
"no-toddlers on board" policy.
I'm sick of having my Gin &
Tonic, sitting back with my flight
socks and waiting with relish for
whatever crap the in-flight
entertainment is and then
having a child wail right in my
ear - it's truly awful". Walsh said
she wanted to ensure certain
flights were 'toddler free'.
"Listen, I'd pay the extra $10 or
$159.99 to have a tot free trip"
claimed Walsh. "I'm sure
people who have babies would
rather be on flights with other
parents so they can exchange
tips on diaper changing, nature
versus nurture and other child
related thingies. They certainly
don't want irate customers like
me getting upset and sitting on
their repressed rage on long
transatlantic flights or worse still
sticking their foot out while their
toddler runs by and tripping
them up". Walsh quickly added
"But don't get me wrong - I like
children - I just couldn't eat a
whole one!"
| Two-Legged Comedy Hour Every other Tuesday @ 8:30p Mae Mae Cafe 68 Van Damn St. Tribeca, NYC 1/9 to Houston |
| Carolyn’s Big Ass Fashion Tips People keep coming up to me and saying, “Carolyn, you look so good! Have you lost weight?” and I tell them,“No, I just finally started buying the right size.” If you’re like me and you’re dealing with a recent weight gain, like that pesky Freshman 15 or in my case the Newlywed 30… stop trying to rock your old size 10 Long and Lean’s and start learning to love elastic! Take a trip to your local Lane Bryant or the Big Girl section of your favorite department store. Since your new size may be difficult to deal with at first, to ease the blow, try on a pair of size 24 pants and laugh at how they fall right to the floor! (If you are a size 24, try on a bedsheet and laugh at how it flounces around your waist.) Then, try on your real size, the size that actually fits so that you can breathe, and notice how the blood starts flowing to your midsection again. Take a moment to appreciate how much bigger your boobs have gotten, and think about all those skinny bitches who have nothing to show but nips. (I love ya skinny girls, but I gotta feel good about somethin’.) Think about how skinny girls don’t have any fat to keep them warm. They will have to wear a poncho this fall while you are still prancing around in your lace-trimmed satin camisole! Sure, it may be December before you need to put on a long- sleeved shirt – so what?! By that time you can crawl into a nice zip up fleece from L.L. Bean (without embroidery, please… there’ s nothing like a fat girl covered in Christmas tree ornaments to make a skinny girl say, “That’s what you get for having that extra piece of pizza!” The bottom line is, when you start wearing pants that actually fit you, you will feel thinner. And feeling is half the battle. The rest is up to God and a good pair of chandelier earrings to accentuate your pretty face! 'Til next time… see you in the fitting room! |
magazine
| November '04 |
| Click here for your |
| Laura Mannino Dream Journal |
by Carolyn Castiglia
