Mintyfresh October Magazine

Rube's
Weekly
Tip
by Jenny Rubin

The tip of the week is to make sure to
always carry tweezers with you at all
times. If you're like me, then you're a
full fledged wolf and you need to
watch your rapid hair growth. You don't
want to be caught sipping that martini
ladies, with a whisker swimming
around your olive.

Sibling Rivalry:
Carson too big for his
little comedian sister?
by Talbott McMann, MF Press

Has this fag dropped his hag? Carson Kressley, Bravo’s Queer Eye for the Straight
Guy’s “Fashion Savant," has publicly ignored his look-alike sister, Michelle Maclay.
Maclay, a budding comic could use his fashion clout to send her skyrocketing to the
top of the comedy world. Eric Nies’ look a-like sister, Tonya McMarksy, doesn’t have
to bring 10 people to the New York Improv because of her look-alike brother’s hot
career on MTV’s The Grind.

Are these clubs showing a homophobic favoritism to the Nies sibling look-alikes and
overlooking the Queer Eye fam? Perhaps the Charles Bronson sister is getting free
shows because she's poorly dressed and has an impressive moustache. Carson's
apathy shows little change with the comedy clubs.

Carolyn's Big Ass Fashion Tips
by Carolyn Castiglia

You're walking down the street, just minding your own business,
when suddenly you see it - coming toward you at the speed of light.
It's an afghan! It's crocheted! It's SUPER-PONCHO! That's right -
that hand-made hell that has taken over the streets of Manhattan
and turned it's Sex and the City gals into Knitting and Bingo pals. If you're like me
and you want to fight this nasty trend, here are some other nifty ways you can
keep warm this fall:

*Wear your pajamas and comforter to work and tell your boss it "just feels
right."

*Cover yourself in glue and then jump into a vat of styrofoam peanuts. That
way, you'll be both warm and break-resistant.

*Sew yourself into some feather boas.

*Start dating a bear.

*Tell your friends you're on high alert for bad fashion and wrap yourself in
duct tape.

*Get one of those other things made of yarn, you know, people used to wear
'em all the time? What are they called? SWEATERS! Right...

If those suggestions aren't enough to get you to avoid wearing what is basically
the blanket off the back of your couch, just think about the time your mom made
you wear your grandmother's shawl to the prom because your dress was
sleeveless and she "didn't want you to be cold" and it kinda made you look like a
bag lady because it didn't really match and even though it was supposed to be
that color it still looked like it was dirty and there was nothing you could do about
it because you had to keep it on or you'd lose it and if you lost it you knew when
you got home you'd get your ass kicked, so even though your dress was
gorgeous underneath you still had to keep this fricking blanket on and all you
could think was, "Wow, if I had a pillow, I could go to sleep right now." And then
you saw your ex-boyfriend dancing with his new girlfriend and you were like, "Oh
my God - her dress is made of lace! Lace?! That is so old fashioned!" and then
you were like "Wait a minute? Who's the spring chicken over there getting laid on
the dance floor and who's the old lady over here wearing the SHAWL!!!"

That's what I do, anyway.

Horoscope
Hollenbach

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You. You.
You. That's all you ever think
about isn't it? This month start
thinking about other people and
their lives and their schedules. You
may realize that there are more
important things than your stupid
basket weaving class. Wanna
fight? What's it to you?

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) You are just
so grounded and won't budge. This
could create a mild lawsuit. Just
because the baby is not yours doesn't
mean that you don't have to watch
her every once in a while. Other
people have feelings too. What?
Wanna take this outside? Punk.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21) The
mystery of personality will be strong
this month. Don't fly off the handle
like you normally do. So what? It's
a rash - you're never going to catch
it. Why don't you touch it? Are you
going to cry now? Stop looking at
me.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) You are
so depressed and over emotional this
cycle. So you hate your job, who
doesn't? Suicide is always an option,
not the most suggested one - but
hey. Words only do so much. Why
not take action, crazy pants?

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
Center-of-attention much? Use
August to give someone else a
chance, let them shine for once.
Why do you think you own every
room you walk into? You are
going on a date with a Capricorn
this month. Leo, date rape isn't the
answer - no means jail time.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Loosen up!
Who's watching over your shoulder.
Take that juicy five dollar bill from
petty cash and treat yourself to the
nice lunch that you deserve! Why
not go to Vegas. Those utility bills
can wait a month - they won't turn
off your heat right away.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22) Stop
telling people how diverse your
friends are. So your gay mulatto
friend went with you to your
favorite dive this weekend, who
cares? OH - you bought the
Outkast album AND you went to
see Whitecastle, just great. Shut
your trap.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) Enough
with the hidden agendas already.
She doesn't like you like that - she
never did and never will - she's
your boss. Plus you can't hate
everyone who turns you down. That
poor girl at Applebee's has no
where to live now, pyro.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Don't
be mad because you only receive
one gift for your birthday and
Christmas. Your friends are sick of
hearing about it. The annual
"uni-gift" complaint is getting old.
Get some new material. Your
friends are starting to hate you.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Refer
to Sagittarius and you'll hear the
word "grandma" a little sooner than
expected.

An open letter

by Matt McCarthy

To the douche-bag who set off firecrackers in front of my apartment building this
morning at 2am,

You can hide from me and the police, but Jesus knows what you did. And last I
checked J.C. is pretty big on the "love thy neighbor" scene. Late night firecrackers
in front of sleepy apartment buildings qualify as "spite thy neighbor". Hope you
enjoy Hell, there are a lot of fireworks to be enjoyed down there. And next time
you feel the urge to set off an M-80 on my street I hope the fuse is too short and
you lose a thumb. Thank you, McCarthy

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Hey
paranoid, so you think everyone
hates you - beat 'em to the punch.
Hate them first. Don't give them a
chance to like you and your
paranoia will disappear. But
always be cautious, they're always
watching.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Come
on, let's get it together - you're 35
and a temp. That extra "winter
weight" you put on is going to be
"spring, summer and fall weight,"
let's be honest. Better return that
bikini to Marshall's before that 30
day policy is up.

Billy Wood You Help Me?
Original advice by Billy Wood

Cuisine
                 by Becky Yamamoto

I am a huge fan of happy hour. Right after
  a hard day of work, I like to have a tall cold one to try
and forget the worries of the day. In fact, what were the
worries of the day? I did worry a little about what I
wanted for lunch, thinking how uneconomical I was
being by blowing $7 on lunch. Far too much money if I
take into consideration my other daily expenses. I
should not ever eat out, except I am lazy and would
rather make a big decision on lunch right before I eat.

I like flying by the seat of my pants when it comes to
eating. My mood changes from day to day. Some days
require a hot, satisfying lunch, while other days a nice
salad will do. I hate thinking about eating, especially
thinking about the digestive process that occurs. In the
ninth grade, my Biology teacher showed us this
laserdisc that had a closeup of the tongue smashing
food against the roof of mouth and the camera caught
all the juices and the things flying around, and it was
disgusting. After seeing the video, I had a difficult time
eating my turkey sandwich, imagining each bite and
the tongue thrusting.

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