My Uncle Dick and Aunt Shirley supported my unicorn drawings from the start!
Aries: The stars are aligned to end your inside jokes with a Capricorn. It’s not that funny and your fake laugh is noted.
Taurus: Take the rest of the year to not chew so loud. It’s understandable that you want to make sure that your food is fully ground before beginning the digestion process. Try not to make it sound like a construction site because your cube-mate is seriously over it.
Gemini: This would be an amazing week to stop one-upping other people’s problems. When someone says a loved one died in a terrible accident, it isn’t the appropriate time to tell everyone how you almost died in a worse encounter, like on Tuesday.
Cancer: Sadly, pink isn’t your color, Cancer.
Leo: Speaking of lions, ’tis the season to mend your mane. Your hair is a Pantene before picture and your split ends aren’t hidden by that ponytail. An Aquarius has a hair treatment in her desk.
Virgo: This week you can stop taking down everyone who has succeeded just because of your lack of success. Take the time you would use complain about other people and replace it with working on your own career, Steve.
Libra: You have a crush on a Pisces. That Pisces is in a committed relationship and you can see that on Facebook. Leave. Me. Alone.
Scorpio: Mercury isn’t in retrograde, so are you such a bitch?
Sagittarius: Consider exploring the world of spanks. If you’d wear them, you probably wouldn’t adorn that belly shirt that features your treadmill neglect. Looking forward to “Secret Santa!”
Capricorn: For some, this is a week of mourning, but it’s just Regis Philbin. No one in I.T. cares that you have the entire last season hoarded on your DVR and they can’t help you put it on DVD.
Aquarius: I’ve got a secret for you. It’s Secret: Strong enough for a man, made for a woman who smells like a wet badger.
Pisces: You won’t be bothered when your friends and co-workers read this because this is a horoscope and it’s really subjective, except for the secret part.
Wendy Liebman has been one of my comedy idols over the years. She has an HBO special, a Pulp Comics on Comedy Central (It’s also showing on Logo on Saturday) and has an hour special on Showtime! We’ve asked her a bunch of boring questions and she returned some hilariously j’adorable answers!
1. Which local news caster do you most trust and why?
Wendy: I love Fritz Coleman. I trust him with my weather because he’s a stand up comedian.
2. What are your top three names for off-white paint?
Wendy: My top three names for off white paint are: Eggshell, Pale Sand, and Black.
3. If you rubbed a lamp and a genie popped out and said, “You may have unlimited meals at any national restaurant chain for life.” Which would you pick?
Wendy: Unlimited meals at any national restaurant chain for life: Starbucks. (I could have bought a house with the money I’ve spent there. Though I would never be awake to enjoy it.)
4. My favorite genus of mammal is ____________.
Wendy: My favorite genus of mammal is: Orangutan. They’re so cute. (What’s a genus?)
5. Which midwest state do you most associate with?
Wendy: Midwest state that I most associate with is Illinois. My favorite band, The Handcuffs, live in Chicago. Their home is my home away from home.
6. Gun to the head: Your favorite lightbulb wattage.
Wendy: 25. I look better in the dark.
Visit Wendy at http://www.wendyliebman.com/
Read her blog at http://lmaoww.blogspot.com/
Like Wendy of Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Wendy-Liebman/122037747879614
Follow Wendy on Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/WendyLiebman
According to Love God’s Way there is a huge list of bands that make you gay and gateway bands. According to the site, “They lure children in with Pop Grooves and Salacious Melodies leaving them wanting more.”
The list is huge and includes Lady Gaga (Tricks girls into lesbianism), Pink, George Straight, Bob Dylan, Bjork and more! What an eclectic group, eh?
My boyfriend and I listened to Christian music growing up so I sent him this email:
#5: I love a good bargain… but Budweiser? If Facebook studied my profile, they’d find out that I’m more of a Bud Lite Lime and less-tits kind of guy.
#4: Whoa! Look what happens when you like OWN! Oprah’s Favorite Ways To Forget About Kissing Gale.
#3: Ok… After the last two ads above, they have to be looking through my pictures I’ve untagged.
#2: This is the craziest math problem I’ve ever seen.
#1: My Facebook profile doesn’t state my religious beliefs publicly… and if Facebook can tell, it isn’t really a match. I believe in the big bang, aliens and dino-nuggets.